Academic writing: make a paragraph clearer and more concise
Clear academic writing is not simplified writing. Markers and reviewers reward paragraphs that make one precise claim, support it with evidence and connect it to the argument. Long sentences full of abstract nouns do not make an essay more serious; they make the point harder to find. This guide takes one weak paragraph and improves it step by step.
The paragraph we will edit
It is important to note that in recent years there has been a significant increase in the amount of attention that has been given by researchers to the issue of the use of social media by teenagers. Due to the fact that a large number of studies have been conducted, it can be said that social media is something that has the ability to have an impact on the mental health of young people in a number of different ways (Author, Year). This proves that schools need to take action.
The paragraph is 90 words long and says three things: researchers are paying more attention to teenagers and social media, studies suggest it affects their mental health, and schools should respond. Each one is hard to see.
Step 1: Find the paragraph's one job
Ask what this paragraph contributes to the essay's argument. Here, the real claim is that research links social media use to teenagers' mental health, and that this matters for schools. The growing attention of researchers is background, not the point.
Write that job down in one plain sentence before editing. If you cannot, the paragraph may be trying to do two jobs and should be split.
Step 2: Put the claim first
Academic readers expect a topic sentence. Start with the claim, then give the evidence and the consequence. Background can shrink to a short clause or move to the introduction.
Step 3: Cut empty phrases
These phrases add length but no meaning:
- It is important to note that → delete it
- due to the fact that → because
- a large number of → many
- has the ability to → can
- in a number of different ways → in several ways, or name them
- it can be said that → delete it, then hedge accurately if needed
Step 4: Turn nouns back into verbs
Academic drafts often hide the action inside a noun: conduct an investigation of instead of investigate, give attention to instead of study. The verb is shorter and shows who did what.
There has been a significant increase in the amount of attention that has been given by researchers to the issue.
Researchers have increasingly studied the issue.
Step 5: Make the hedging accurate
Hedging is not weakness; it is precision. The original paragraph hedges too much in one place ("it can be said that… has the ability to have an impact") and far too little in another ("This proves"). Research findings rarely prove that a particular policy is needed. Match the strength of each claim to the evidence.
This proves that schools need to take action.
These findings indicate that schools may need to take action.
Be careful in the other direction too. If your source reports a strong, well-replicated result, writing "it might possibly be the case" misrepresents it. The goal is to say exactly what the evidence supports.
Step 6: Choose active or passive on purpose
Use the active voice when the actor matters: "Researchers found…", "The survey measured…". The passive is fine when the actor is obvious or unimportant, as often in methods sections: "Participants were recruited from three schools." Avoid long passive chains such as "attention that has been given by researchers", which hide the actor and add words.
Step 7: Keep citations exactly as they are
When you rewrite a sentence that carries a citation, the citation must stay attached to the claim it supports. Do not merge two cited claims into one sentence with only one citation, and never change what a source says to make your sentence smoother.
The edited paragraph
It is important to note that in recent years there has been a significant increase in the amount of attention that has been given by researchers to the issue of the use of social media by teenagers. Due to the fact that a large number of studies have been conducted, it can be said that social media is something that has the ability to have an impact on the mental health of young people in a number of different ways (Author, Year). This proves that schools need to take action.
A growing body of research suggests that social media use can affect teenagers' mental health in several ways (Author, Year). These findings indicate that schools may need to take action.
A checklist for every paragraph
- Can you state the paragraph's job in one sentence?
- Does the first sentence make the claim?
- Have you removed phrases that add length but no meaning?
- Are the actions in verbs rather than abstract nouns?
- Is every claim as strong as the evidence, and no stronger?
- Is each citation still attached to the right claim?
HumanProse has an Academic mode that rewrites English paragraphs to be clearer and more concise in a formal register. Use it on a paragraph you have already planned, then check the result against the checklist above, especially the hedging and the citations.